hi_speed_rust's Xanga

"I just want somebody to hold me through the night"

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 04:07:59 GMT

Hi, my name is Rusty.
I'd love to stop coughing every few moments.
I'm pretty fed up with this week, and am most certainly glad it's about over and I can't put it all behind me.

It pretty much sucks anymore, being the person that I am
I'm so caring, I'm always there
I put my heart out there, on the line
And for what?
To get shit on, that's right
To get shit on

I give up, I guess

I'm so ready to go home, be around the people who know me and love me
See some familiarity, clear my head
Hopefully come back here with it on straight and figure out what the hell I am doing with myself exactly

Congrats to all who got engaged this week, that's so great
I'm so happy for you people, and you others in such great, fantastic relationships that have lasted such a long time!
You're so cool, you're dating someone from high school, hurrah!

Bite me.

Non drowsy medicine might do the exact opposite on me, and that is a good thing

I'm alone - so very, very, alone
Not a thing to do about it

I wouldn't normally say this, but
Since it's staying with me and just
I hope you get back with him, I really do
And then he shits on you again
Because when you spin around and try to turn to me again
I won't be there,
I won't
And that's a promise
I usually don't like to wish bad things upon people, but
Just this once, I'll be wishing you not bad things, because that's something I don't do, but
I just hope everything goes back to normal and so happy and lovey dovey for you two
Just when you go to bed at night, and he's laying there
I hope you're wishing it was me
Because you'll be glad to know odds are, you'll never be that close to me again

So, now what?
I honestly don't know . . .
Like I said, I'll be glad to be home for Thanksgiving (11 days to go,) and then the Christmas break will be splendid, to be home, surrounded by my family and what few friends are there, because at least they love me and don't use me.

Yeah, yeah, I knew what I was getting myself wrapped up in from day one, and
I shouldn't say I feel like I was used, but
I sure as hell do feel that way

It kills me to say what I'm about to say, but
I just have to:
I wish you would've never IM'd me seven months ago;
Maybe I wouldn't feel like such an ass then

Goodbye.

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 16:57:16 GMT

I'm moving on.

http://zipcodehallelujah.blogspot.com for life now.

Take care and thanks for everything.

---/---

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 17:13:37 GMT

Happy Valentine's Day, you sad, pathetic excuse of human existence.

May everyone who has a valentine enjoy and cherish every second you spend with them today. Whether it be playing in the snow, or going out to dinner, or just staying in. You all deserve it.

I know that I don't. That's why you'll find me at home tonight, washing and folding towels, eating the equivalent to Chef Lonely Hearts.

I just wish I were myself again. Just when I thought I was bouncing back just fine, . . .

"Last Days of Disco"

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 14:02:48 GMT

This came on the iRust this morning, reaffirming my love and admiration for this record. Just doesn't help when Ira sings, and he delivers heart wrenching lyrics that I can relate to. Ahem:

And the song said "Don't be lonely"
It makes me lonely
I hear it and I'm lonely more and more

And I, personally, couldn't relate much more . . .

"I'm thinking of a number between everything and two"

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 21:45:42 GMT

You know what's creepy?

How many quiet, dark, tranquil songs I listen to in a day at work, and then I hear sirens. And then I realize they aren't a part of the song, but they always go off at the right time to blend with the songs coming through my headphones.

"Winter now approaching quickly now"

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 05:05:21 GMT

I don't want to sleep, for it'll be morning and it'll be Monday morning and it'll be back to the office. I don't want to go to work.

So, another weekend is gone. I tell you, working Monday through Friday is cool, having your weekends off and all that, but, weekends fly by too fast. There's just a point in a weekend when you want to stop time and not have to worry about certain things. You can prevent things by stopping time. I wish that were the truth.

The song I've been spending the weekend with is so short, so intricate and to the point. And, it is so special mind you that I can't even disclose its artist or title, frankly because I am not allowed to divulge what I'm listening to and, well .. I don't have a title for this song.

. . . Come back from Paradise
I'll never doubt you again . . .

"Nil"

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 15:32:44 GMT

So, I'm looking through the shared iTunes collective here at work, and someone's sharing this album. The last song kills me. It's just a two minute instrumental, buried piano, just kind of trudges along. It's the song I want played at my funeral. The album as a whole is such a dark turn for them, but either way fantastic. Why in the hell did I ever get rid of it?

"Hello."

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 03:31:00 GMT

My name is Rusty, and there is not one thing for me to look forward to in the foreseeable future.

(I am going to try really hard and sleep without the stuffed animals tonight... :()

Your love can't be washed out
Like blue jeans without stains

And maybe it's not my place
But it's such a shame
I'm dying just to tell you
You got to get away

I'm dying just to tell you
Come back and stay

(Come on back . . .)

You know the drill when this song is on. Grab the Kleenex (or in my case the napkins.)

Songs That Ain't Making The Tears Stop

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 21:26:12 GMT

I know that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, let me tell you. I know I am not perfect, nobody is. I know what I wanted my entire life. I had it for a nice, very significant amount of time, and then I threw it away. Like the lint in the dryer once the clothes are done, it just gets scooped up and put it with the empty boxes of cereal and waffles and crumpled up tissues.

I can't believe myself, I really can't. I'm losing, if I haven't lost already. I'm done for.

I didn't cry this much when someone died.

I am not the same person I once was, it's official.

I've lost myself completely, and I really don't know what to do to get back on track. I think I have figured out one small problem, though.

It's gone, though isn't it? The spark, the butterflies, the cheeriness of it all.

Best of luck, dear. I love you. I'm always going to love you. I guess it really is time to move on.

Saddest EP, Ever:
01 Rotten Hell by Menomena
02 Prepared by Lambchop
03 Lonesome Tears by Beck
04 Big Heartbreak by The Rosebuds
05 Dead Of Winter by Eels
06 Save The Last Dance by The Walkmen

Why do I always screw up the good that is always going for me?

"Words From a Weary"

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 16:07:47 GMT

Why am I crying at work? Why are my eyes welting up with tears? What is my problem? How am I not myself?

In all honesty, I haven’t been myself in months, for quite some time. There have been a few days, here and there, since the end of September where I felt like myself (more towards the end of November, early December,) but that doesn’t stay for long. I am an unhappy individual looking for happiness in this small world.

So I’ve moved to Boston, it’s a nice area; cold, but nice. I live in a small suburb called Jamaica Plain: quaint area that has a couple good restaurants, a CVS here and there, and Dunkin Donuts (and they do say that world does run on Dunkin.)

I’m feeling useless; I’m having a really hard time adjusting. This is not the Rusty people have come to love and be friends with. What the hell happened?

I miss you. I miss you more than you could imagine. I don’t even want to look at the number of days between now and when I see you next, it’ll just be depressing. Countdowns shouldn’t go higher but lower. It’ll be nice to see everyone at the 50th in April, but it shall be even nicer when I see you next. I feel like that’s the only reason I’m around lately. I am so, so, so happy everything is going wonderfully for you. You are doing an amazing job balancing out your school work and your activities that make you happy. I’ve never been so proud of you my love.

I like my living arrangement, and I don’t like my living arrangement. I like having my own little space, I dislike the emptiness in my bedroom. I like the price I am paying to reside there, I dislike that I do not have cable (I can’t even discuss my favorite shows with my co-workers – they’ve seen ‘em, I haven’t.) Thankfully, I don’t have a lease so once the owner’s wife has her Visa cleared and come in to America, if I feel awkward (which I do about that situation already, but am ignoring cause she is not here,) I will be moving on.

I’m not broke, but am rather upset that I have yet to see my last Wal-Mart paycheck come in the mail. After not being direct deposited on the day it should have, I called and they said they’d mail it out that afternoon. After not showing up one a half weeks later, I found out that it got lost on the desk, and once they found it, did not have any postage. What bullshit: a billion dollar company doesn’t have postage. So apparently, it got mailed out a week later than it should have, and it’s been one week since then, so … yeah. We’ll just wait and see what happens on that front.

Ok, guess I’ll get back to work (whatever that means.)